Would you like to have real self-confidence? This article is talking
about the kind of confidence that is rooted so deep it is literally
unshakable. It is about the kind of confidence you see in a mother when
she needs to protect her infant. There's no self-doubt or bashfulness.
Her actions flow from a place of certainty. Emotions may be present,
but they do not run the show. Her mind remains resolutely focused on
the goal. You can't pull rank on her and she doesn't care how big you
are or what kind of car you drive.
What if you could
have that kind of confidence when you approach the dating scene? Not
the fierce part, but the confident, secure part. That kind of
confidence comes from knowing with certainty what you want. That kind
of certainty comes from having a solid plan and no hesitation to take
action when you see the openings you know to look for.
Wouldn't
it feel great? Wouldn't you love to have an unshakable sense of
purpose, identity and direction when it comes to meeting and interacting
with men? It is always start with you. If you are absolutely sure of
what you want, you won't feel nervous about making relationship
decisions. The more certain you become about what you want in a
relationship and a man, the more confidence you will feel about setting
boundaries, asking for what you want, or pursuing someone who might or
might not reciprocate your interest.
Embrace Failure
Letting
go of fear becomes easier when you accept "failure" as a valuable
strategy. Dorothea Brande has been quoted for her famous statement on
the best method to achieve success, "Act as though it is impossible to
fail." Combine this with the wisdom of T.J. Watson, the president of
IBM. "Would you like the formula for success?" Watson asks. "Double
your rate of failure."
How can you succeed by failing
more often? Many successful people swear by this method. If you are
always cautious and terrified of mistakes, you don't try much and you
don't learn much. People who are willing to fail embrace it and lose
their fear of taking action in the process.
When it comes to
dating, you will fail some of the time. The only way to be highly
confident when dating is to accept failure as a part of the dating
process. Don't think of setbacks and letdowns as something terrible
that needs to be controlled at all costs. Instead, embrace failure as
something natural that is "okay." Embracing this simple shift in your
belief system can dramatically increase your confidence.
Always Know Your BATNA
BATNA
stands for "best alternative to negotiated agreement." It's a concept
that is extremely useful to you in many different areas of your life.
Basically, it's about forming an unshakable sense of certainty when
negotiating for what you want.
I wish it wasn't the
case, but the unfortunate truth is men often need to be told how to
behave in relationships. It's like we men are kind of wild. We're not
tame beasts. We can love passionately, but sometimes we need a woman to
compassionately explain what is and what is not okay, and to do so with
the kind of certainty and steady gaze that lets us know she's telling
us how it is rather than "discussing emotions."
Imagine
you go to your landlord to complain about the broken stairway railing.
Knowing your BATNA before you start the conversation gives you a
tremendous advantage and boosts your confidence. Let's say you have
nowhere else to live and know you can't afford the other rental options
in town. In that case, your best alternative to getting him to agree to
fix that railing might be to ignore it for a while.
On
the other hand, you may have plenty of options for other rental
situations. In that case, your BATNA is clear. If, after negotiating
for a few minutes, he does not agree to have it fixed on his dime by
next Friday, you tell him you are moving out at the end of the month.
Suddenly you have the upper hand in the negotiation. You can afford to
push the issue, because if he doesn't eventually agree, you can pull out
your BATNA. In this case, your BATNA is to threaten moving out,
because you know it really is a better option to you than living with
the broken banister.
In relationships, you should
negotiate for what you want. Do so in a way that gives full respect to
the other person's right to walk away from a relationship rather than
agree to your terms. When you know what you want in a relationship, you
can talk about it openly. When you have a BATNA about certain issues
like intimacy, moving in, commitment, or spending time together, you
don't have to agonize about, "What if he gets mad and leaves me." Your
confidence is high when you already worked out in your mind that you
would be better off looking for someone more compatible if he doesn't
agree on certain key issues that matter a lot to you.
Rely more on Attraction than Chasing
Most
women have at least some degree of innate understanding of the factors
that attract men. But this article is about supper confidence, not
mediocre confidence. Let's say you've realized that your choice of mate
is ‘The Most Important’ life decision you can make. Doesn't that mean
you should try to understand your man as deeply as possible?
The
problem is that men are mysterious, even to themselves. They often
don't understand their own emotions and desires. This makes it rather
difficult to know how to maximally attract them while sidestepping the
landmines that can obliterate a relationship just when it was getting
good.
