Authenticity Counts
"To
have a healthy relationship you need to be in touch with your authentic
self," says Anne Hollonds, psychologist and CEO of Relationships
Australia NSW. "When you have a handle on who you are, you can engage
honestly with someone else." All too often, we inadvertently present a
false sense of ourselves to our partners, making it easy to be
misunderstood. It doesn't take long for misunderstandings to pile up.
You become hurt and angry because your partner doesn't understand you,
when it's you who isn't putting yourself out there in a clear, honest
way.
What to do: To avoid misunderstandings creating a
rift between you and your partner, clear the decks by presenting the
real you in an open way. Hollonds suggests using the daily abrasions
that occur between you and your partner as opportunities to reflect. Try
putting yourself in your partner's shoes, she says. Ask yourself: "How
might my partner feel when I react like that? Is there a more honest way
of interacting?"
Identity differences
Searching
for your soul mate? Someone who thinks, feels and likes all the same
things as you? It might work in a Hollywood movie, but in reality it's
not a healthy type of relationship as it grows out of unresolved
insecurities. When your partner's thoughts, feelings and behaviours
mirror your own, you're validated by the illusion of sameness and it's a
way of avoiding uncertainty within the relationship. But it usually
doesn't last. Eventually, when there is a difference of opinion, you
feel threatened and invalidated. You begin to doubt the relationship
because it's easier than taking a good look inside yourself for answers.
What
to do: Dr Martien Snellen, psychiatrist and author of Rekindling Your
Relationship After Childbirth (Text Publishing), says: "Don't kill off
your relationship by expecting your partner to think, feel and behave
the way you do. Instead, celebrate the differences." Make yourself open
to diversity. When you do that, your relationship can become an exciting
journey of growth and self-discovery.
Are you self-obsessed?
The
"me" culture is rampant in our society. But when a strong sense of
individual entitlement is taken into a relationship it can be
catastrophic. Dr Snellen says: "When it's all about your needs it makes
it very difficult to reach a compromise." When you don't get your needs
met you feel let down and start to question the relationship.
What
to do: Dr Snellen suggests you stop thinking about what's right for you
and start thinking about what's best for the relationship. A loving
relationship needs to be worked at. If you don't, complacency sets in
and you start taking each other for granted.
Keep it real
It's
normal to want to be close to your partner, but expecting your partner
to make you feel complete is unhealthy. Love can be stifled by a
constant need for validation. Instead of contributing to your partner's
happiness, you're inclined to blame them for making you feel rotten.
What
to do: "Communicate your needs without whingeing," Hollonds says. When
we blame our partners for everything that's wrong in our lives we're
ignoring our contribution to the problem. The next time you have a
whinge, stop and ask yourself: "What can I do to resolve my problems?"
When you take responsibility for how you feel, you put yourself back in
control of your life.
