Contrary to what your favorite
rom-com would have you believe, a happy relationship doesn't just
happen. Here are 6 ways to make sure your relationship is on track.
1. Pay attention to your tone when you talk
It
may seem like a small thing, but it can have a big effect. People
respond well to a soft tone and immediately get hostile or defensive
towards a harsh one. Be aware not just what you say to your partner in a
daily way, but how you say it. A sweet tone as well as a sweet approach
will minimize any clashes between you and make the daily grind less
difficult and just more pleasant.
2. Listen without your walls, guards, and counter arguments at the ready
As
important as it is to communicate your own needs, hopes and
expectations in your relationship it’s equally crucial to hear your
partner too. When couples are disconnected, bickering or outright
hostile, the tendency to listen is at a low point. But if that’s when
you choose to “lay down your guns”, stop arguing back, and just hear
their point of view, it’s a fast track to bringing you closer again, and
back to happy, healthy connected communication. Sometimes to truly hear
your partner when your negative emotional brain is clouding your
listening ability, it’s a good strategy to paraphrase what they are
saying to you so it sinks in and you can hear it in your own voice to
better absorb it.
3. Make a conscious effort to smile, and be approachable
If
you’re in an argument in your relationship, sit down then, or make an
arrangement to sit down together to talk it through sooner rather than
later. If there are small squabbles between you, live your life as
positively as possible. Scowling through your day only magnifies issues
and difficulties and improves nothing. Regardless of how your partner is
behaving, if you are nice it will rub off. It’s hard to be mean, unkind
or abrasive to someone who is being genuinely caring and kind, even
when they are still kind of mad! Fix what you can from your end, be the
partner you want to have, and watch the positive effect that has,
without a single argument.
4. Have empathy
Before
becoming deeply engaged in arguments and conflict, try to pause for a
moment to see the other person's perspective. True partners are always
doing the best they can, and if it’s falling short of your needs and
expectations, try to see why before criticizing. And if there is a
legitimate reason to complain, do it in a productive way rather than a
fight-provoking one. That means first acknowledging where they are
coming from, so they feel understood right off the bat, and then
expressing what your need or expectation is despite or above that. For
example, "I know you’re tired in the evening after a long day at work
and an early start, and I’m tired too, but I could really use a little
more help at night with the chores/children etc." Rather than attack for
lack of helpfulness, acknowledge why they might not be helping as much
and point out why you need an adjustment to your established routine.
5. Keep the big picture in mind
Choose
your battles and remember what’s most important. If you want a
harmonious relationship, remember why you chose your partner, and remind
yourself that every day you choose to be with them and they choose you
too. Let go of some of the smaller issues. Would you divorce over the
dishwasher? Not every fight needs to be a five alarm fire. Simmer down
if you’re butting heads a lot and remember that being happy together is
the most important detail to focus on.
6. Stay invested in your relationship
Feeling
distant or disconnected? Do something fun together, take a class, learn
together, and grow together. Play together too! Get the passions
sizzling again if it has been awhile? How? Take an online course like
Passion and Pleasure together.
