1. Solidify your relationship
As an adult, an
insecure attachment style is associated with a slew of relationship
troubles, including jealousy, obsession, and emotional highs and lows.
The good news is that, regardless of your present pattern, you can
become more securely attached, or connected, to your partner by
developing a deeper friendship. To do that, incrementally spend more
time with her doing something you both enjoy. Also, regularly ask for
updates on your partner’s likes, dislikes, current stress, and new
interests, as people change over time.
2. Appreciate each other
Remember
when you first started dating, how you used to go that extra mile to
impress her? Well, one of the secrets to a long, fulfilling relationship
is to continue to actively appreciate your partner. You don’t
necessarily have to pull out all the stops the way you did back in the
day, but regular efforts to show your partner that you appreciate her
will do wonders for improving your relationship.
If
you’re not sure where to start, a good place is by doling out daily
compliments. Tell her she looks hot or thank her for organizational
abilities when she reminds you to call your mother. The only rule is to
make sure that you genuinely mean what you say.
3. Accept the unsolvable
If
you find a problem seems to call up painful emotions, you’re looking at
one that’s persistent. To stop this trouble from ruining your
relationship, you’ll need to address the bigger issues underlying your
difficulty. Take turns discussing with your partner what this loaded
issue really means to you. When your partner is talking, your job is to
listen, be nonjudgmental and to find something in her perspective that
makes sense to you. When it’s your turn to talk, she should be doing the
same thing. By treading more gently into touchy areas, you should at
least be able to agree to disagree or make some small concessions for
one another.
4. Break negative cycles
Troubled
relationships tend to follow a demand-withdraw pattern. That means that
one person tends to be more critical and demanding, while the other
tends to withdraw or shut down in response to conflict.
Douglas
Tilley, a proponent of emotion-focused therapy, notes that 85% of the
time men tend to be the withdrawer. The reason may be biological - men’s
cardiovascular systems are more responsive to stress, so tuning out
your mate is an attempt to avoid uncomfortable sensations. To break the
negative pattern of conflict in your relationship, next time things get
heated, let your partner know what’s going on with you by saying: “I can
see this issue is important to you. I’m feeling too angry to discuss it
right now, though, so let’s come back to it once we’ve cooled off.”
5. Understand anger
Think
back to the last argument you had with your partner and use this new
knowledge to look for hidden messages in what you and your partner were
each trying to communicate. Attempting to disregard the angry tone you
both used and trying to tune in to what you were each really trying to
say will help you to see that you both have needs in your relationship
that make sense. For instance, “You’re a workaholic!” might really mean
“I miss you and want to spend more time with you.”
6. Find common goals
A
study conducted in collaboration with a dating site in the UK found
that 13% of couples reported no longer having the same goals. This
situation represents a ticking time bomb, as research has shown that
couples who share dreams and goals have longer-lasting, more satisfying
relationships.
If you feel like you’ve been out of sync
lately with your partner on this front, discuss your philosophy of life
together. The aim is for both of you to share what you want your life
to be about, where you want to end up and what these things mean to you.
Look for anything that’s common between the two of you and talk about
ways to work toward that aspiration together.
7. Share power
When
a man is not willing to share power with his relationship partner, John
Gottman’s research indicates there is an 81% chance that his
relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you
ahead in your career, this strategy will backfire in your relationship
because your girlfriend will end up feeling like her opinions aren’t
valuable and she doesn’t matter to you.
To help save
your relationship, develop a more accepting attitude toward compromise.
Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.
8. Don't distort
Researchers have known for a long time that unhappy couples focus on the negatives in their relationships.
An
early study by Robinson and Price (1980) found that unhappy couples
underestimated the occurrence of pleasurable events in their
relationships by 50%. Also, Fincham, Beach and Baucom (1987) found that
individuals in distressed relationships were prone to attributing
negative intentions to their partner’s behavior. If you find yourself
stuck in this rut of distorted thinking, the next time you have a
negative thought about something your partner has done try to come up
with a more neutral explanation for her actions.
Another
strategy is to consider whether you would judge yourself so harshly if
the situation were reversed. Finally, remind yourself often of the good
times you’ve spent together recently.
9. Concentrate on the present to ensure your future
Interestingly,
the ability of your relationship to weather tough times has a lot to do
with your mutual availability in the here and now. Unfortunately, over
time, for a variety of reasons, many couples move further apart from
each other, meaning that when a rough patch hits, their relationship
doesn’t survive.
To build a rock-solid relationship,
start by acknowledging rather than ignoring the ordinary moments in your
relationship. If your partner wants to share something she’s reading on
the net, for example, take a minute to listen, even if you simply grunt
in response. It may sound strange, but if you accumulate enough of the
little things, when you really need your partner, you’ll find she’s
there for you.
